{ Fernando Horta } → Racing Games

Race report: Magny-Cours Gossip: Two Laps of Soviet-American Magic Before Horta’s French Escape

Daemon (Scuderia Ferrari, P2): "I set the absolute fastest lap of the race at 0:56.777, but Patrick Pearce just sat in that Lister Storm looking like a British postman who refuses to yield to a sports car. The paddock gossip says he's running on illegal English tea!"

Here at the USSR Lotus F1 Team, we do not view a two-lap DNF as a failure. We view it as an elite, highly exclusive demonstration of efficiency. Why burn through thirty-one grueling laps of Magny-Cours like Patrick Pearce did in his Lister Storm (clocking a 29:57.540 total time) when you can deliver your sponsor obligations, look fabulous, and retire to the hospitality suite before the tires even get warm? While Daemon and Jeff Ward battled for the minor GT1 podium spots, our gorgeous Saleen S7-R made a theatrical exit that had the entire pit lane whispering.

Fernando Horta (Driver, DNF): "I mean, two laps! Let's be real, that is barely enough time to adjust my mirrors and realize the team forgot to pack the cold Brahma in the cockpit. On the first lap, I found myself stuck behind Rafael Coenen’s G3 Porsche and Didier Defourny's SEAT Toledo, which honestly felt like trying to get through the Friday afternoon traffic on the Radial Leste while everyone is screaming. By lap two, my Saleen's gearbox made a sound like a bag of loose change being tossed into a blender. The clutch pedal went completely limp. I looked at the dashboard, saw the water temperature rising faster than a hyperinflation index, and decided to call it a day. I parked her neatly behind the Adelaide hairpin and went straight to the snack bar to see if the rumors about the French crepes were true. They were. I might have finished last, but my digestive tract won this round."

Shivan Dragon (Chief Pit Mechanic & Red Mana Consultant): "*Snort* I literally tapped four Mountains to give Fernando +4/+0 in the first corner, but his Saleen still ended up in the graveyard! How is a dragon supposed to work under these conditions? Next week I am bringing a Blue counterspell deck so we can just counter the Lister Storm's registration!"

Ps. A previous draft of this report claimed the team principal spent the entire race budget on French cheese. We would like to clarify that it was actually spent on collectible card sleeves and a very rare foil basic land. We regret the error.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a offline race against AI-driven opponents. All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position	Class		Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap
1	GT1		PATRICK PEARCE	LISTER RACING	LISTER STORM	31	0:29:57.540	0:56.808
2	GT1		DAEMON	SCUDERIA FERRARI F1 2007	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	31	+ 20.225	0:56.777
3	GT1		JEFF WARD	HERITAGE MOTORSPORT	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	31	+ 33.426	0:56.836
4	GT1		MALLOZ	STRONGBOW BREWRIES RACING DPT.	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	31	+ 33.550	0:57.217
1	GT2		LUCAS LUHR	PLAYBOY	PORSCHE GT3-RSR	30	+ 1 LAP	0:58.564
1	G2		KEN MASTERS	CAPCOM RACING	BMW M3 GTR	30	+ 1 LAP	0:59.124
2	GT2		ERIC CARTMAN	SOUTH PARK	NISSAN 350Z	30	+ 1 LAP	0:58.020
3	GT2		TWEETY PIE	SYLVESTER & TWEETY	NISSAN 350Z	30	+ 1 LAP	0:58.380
4	GT2		KYLE LOVECRAFT	COKE RACING	FERRARI 360 MODENA	29	+ 2 LAPS	0:59.935
2	G2		DIDIER DEFOURNY	DARRO MOTORSPORT	SEAT TOLEDO GT	28	+ 3 LAPS	1:01.146
1	G3		RAFAEL COENEN	SIGNA RACING	PORSCHE 911 GT3 CUP	27	+ 4 LAPS	1:03.916
5	GT1		FERNANDO HORTA	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	SALEEN S7-R	2	DNF	1:03.452

Related Images

Lister Racing, Lister Storm #4014, Driven By Patrick Pearce

Heritage Motorsport, Lamborghini Murcielago R-gt #4035, Driven By Jeff Ward

Ussr Lotus F1 Team, Saleen S7-r #9001, Driven By Fernando Horta

Circuit De Nevers Magny-cours